This blog is my opinion on relationships and break-ups. Every person has different experiences, but this is what I have learned throughout mine. If anyone has a story they would like to share, or another opinion, please feel free to message me. :)
OK I want to start off by asking:
What do we seek when we enter into a relationship?
What do we seek when we enter into a relationship?
I'm sure the answer to this question varies from person to person, but I think the overwhelming response would be love. When we enter into a relationship, ultimately we are seeking love. We all long to love and to be loved.
Falling in love
...And what an amazing feeling it is to fall in love!
Doesn't it seem like every care in the world starts to lift off our shoulders? And many the concerns in our lives that once brought on stress or sadness, seem to become less important and less of a problem? Maybe falling in love feels like this because we have someone to share our burdens with and no longer have to do it alone, or maybe its because love distracts us from our burdens in the first place. There is a certain freedom that we all feel when we fall in love. It just feels like we are more complete and fulfilled.
Falling out of love
Unfortunately though, not all relationships last forever. Sometimes things in a relationship start to go in the opposite direction... and the feelings that were once so wonderful, start to become toxic. The relationship that once brought us freedom, now makes us feel trapped. This is one of the hardest truths to face... and many of us choose not to face it at all. I think this is why people say "love is blind"... It seems in so many cases, we would rather put up with all the huge issues (that we put off as being small), than end the relationship. Sometimes even if the relationship makes us miserable, we cling to it as if we need it to breathe.
Unfortunately though, not all relationships last forever. Sometimes things in a relationship start to go in the opposite direction... and the feelings that were once so wonderful, start to become toxic. The relationship that once brought us freedom, now makes us feel trapped. This is one of the hardest truths to face... and many of us choose not to face it at all. I think this is why people say "love is blind"... It seems in so many cases, we would rather put up with all the huge issues (that we put off as being small), than end the relationship. Sometimes even if the relationship makes us miserable, we cling to it as if we need it to breathe.
Why is it that even if we know deep inside we are not meant to be with the person, and even if we were the ones who broke it off in the first place, we still feel such a tragic loss? Like a piece of us is missing? I believe the reason we hurt so bad is not because of the person we are loosing (even though we may think it is), we hurt because we are saying goodbye to feeling of being in love.
Intimate love
We all yearn to love and be loved intimately. When I say intimately I don't mean sexually, that is a misconception. Intimacy can be characterized by: A close or warm, deeply personal relationship. Personal, meaning love directed towards only us, love just for ourselves not to have to share with anyone. I believe we are created to desire intimate love. A love that is our own. A love just for ____________(your name here). ;) I feel this is the reason we hurt so bad when breaking up with a person, even when we know it is for the best. We feel we are completely cutting off our line of intimate love. The truth is though, in most cases, the intimate love we are seeking from the relationship has already been diminished and we are just holding onto the remains.
We all yearn to love and be loved intimately. When I say intimately I don't mean sexually, that is a misconception. Intimacy can be characterized by: A close or warm, deeply personal relationship. Personal, meaning love directed towards only us, love just for ourselves not to have to share with anyone. I believe we are created to desire intimate love. A love that is our own. A love just for ____________(your name here). ;) I feel this is the reason we hurt so bad when breaking up with a person, even when we know it is for the best. We feel we are completely cutting off our line of intimate love. The truth is though, in most cases, the intimate love we are seeking from the relationship has already been diminished and we are just holding onto the remains.
I have done this more than once in my past...
Past love
I was once in a relationship that started off full of love and passion, as relationships always start off. After about 2 years or so, we started to fight. Looking back, I can clearly see why we were fighting so much. I had this feeling inside that started to come up when the feeling of falling madly in love had passed, and I was left wanting more. I would complain about the relationship that he wasn't doing enough.. that I wanted more of his time and attention.. that I didn't feel he loved me like he used to.. and so on. No matter what he did, I still couldn't feel what I wanted to feel (who knows what it was I even wanted to feel). I started to think maybe I wanted to meet other people? or wanted to be free and not tied down? But I'm pretty sure back then I put the blame on my boyfriend, saying he changed and I needed some time. :-/ I'm pretty sure I initiated a break that he was against. After only a little bit of time on the break, I found myself missing him and wanting to be back together.
I understand how back then I thought taking a break (and maybe meeting someone new, or kissing someone else) would fix a feeling I had inside, but it didn't --so I ran back to him. In the immediate beginning of getting back together everything was great. I felt that intimate love again and was satisfied. But this feeling was very brief, and the relationship started to go back to how it was before the break. Our trust was diminishing and the same problems we had before we took the break were coming back. We tried and tried to work out our differences for almost another year! But inside it felt like all the intimate love from the beginning of the relationship was gone and the "love" that as left, was empty and selfish.
The struggle
Eventually, after being so hurt and broken for a while, I prayed to God for help and I had an epiphany about the relationship and finally felt free to move on. This required some faith, though. (The full details of this are in my other blog "My Story".)
OK so what's the deal here?
How can we be freed of this want for intimate love, if we can only get it from someone else? Doesn't that make us constantly dependent (without even knowing it) on another person to fulfill our personal desires? Doesn't that make love selfish?! ....
How can we be freed of this want for intimate love, if we can only get it from someone else? Doesn't that make us constantly dependent (without even knowing it) on another person to fulfill our personal desires? Doesn't that make love selfish?! ....
It seems to make sense that if we want to love and feel loved we would look to another person. The truth that I have come to realize is, we cannot (well, me at least) have blossoming, beautiful, free, fun relationships if our partner is our only source of intimate love. If we do this, we become dependent on the other person in the relationship. We need them to feel intimately loved. A relationship should never be based on need, but want! We should want to be in the relationship, not feel like we need it to be to feel complete. When the relationship shifts from want to need, the life begins to be drained from the relationship and it is no longer fun! We constantly feel like someone is depending on us. I don't know about you guys, but when I get married I want the relationship with my spouse to be a beautiful, carefree, fun, loving relationship, not a needy, "typical nagging wife, beer drinking husband" relationship. (Ending up in one of these relationships used to be one of my worst fears actually lol).
Present love
And I have truly found beautiful love in my current relationship. When I first met my boyfriend Charlie, I knew there was something so special and wonderful about him. The was something different about the dynamic between him and I that I had never experienced with any other guy I had dated. I think he told me he loved me after like 3 weeks of knowing each other lol. But anyway that's besides the point...the point is, even after feeling such an intimate, beautiful love with Charlie and him helping me to grow and be a better person, that thing inside me started to creep up. It wasn't like we were fighting or anything at all..it was just this feeling of not being content. It was telling me I needed to figure something out about myself and separate from the relationship for a bit. Although my friends thought I was crazy to separate from someone who seemed perfect for me, I had this feeling in my soul that scared me. It was as if I could ruin the best relationship of my life if I didn't figure out what was wrong with me. I told Charlie I needed to find myself for the benefit of us. Because I valued our relationship so much, and I could see a future with Charlie, I didn't want to risk me ruing it down the line. And I never wanted it to get to a point where our relationship would be one of those typical, annoying relationships I described before.
And I have truly found beautiful love in my current relationship. When I first met my boyfriend Charlie, I knew there was something so special and wonderful about him. The was something different about the dynamic between him and I that I had never experienced with any other guy I had dated. I think he told me he loved me after like 3 weeks of knowing each other lol. But anyway that's besides the point...the point is, even after feeling such an intimate, beautiful love with Charlie and him helping me to grow and be a better person, that thing inside me started to creep up. It wasn't like we were fighting or anything at all..it was just this feeling of not being content. It was telling me I needed to figure something out about myself and separate from the relationship for a bit. Although my friends thought I was crazy to separate from someone who seemed perfect for me, I had this feeling in my soul that scared me. It was as if I could ruin the best relationship of my life if I didn't figure out what was wrong with me. I told Charlie I needed to find myself for the benefit of us. Because I valued our relationship so much, and I could see a future with Charlie, I didn't want to risk me ruing it down the line. And I never wanted it to get to a point where our relationship would be one of those typical, annoying relationships I described before.
Future love
Charlie understood and at this point in time, when we first separated, was when I joined yoga (you can read about my personal journey in the blog "My Story"). I thought yoga, meditation and new age reading like "The Secret" and "The Power of Now" were the answers to my problems. I wont go into detail because my other blog is all about this, but it wasn't the answer. At this point in time I hadn't really been talking to or seeing Charlie, but little did I know that as I was on a journey of digging deeper into myself, so was he, AND we were on the same path without even knowing it. As my journey continued, after traveling to Europe and so on, I did find myself when I found Jesus! It just so happens that Charlie did the same thing! Or maybe Jesus found us, I don't know, maybe he calling us all along. But separately, Charlie and I both developed a deep relationship with God, through Jesus. Can you image how fun and crazy it was to start talking again and realize we had both discovered something so, so, so wonderful? Something that finally made complete sense, Truth about life. Can you imagine, two people who rarely spoke of God, being transformed, separately, so that our hearts are now set on fire for Christ!? A miracle if you ask me. But then again, now I understand all things are possible with God.
Charlie understood and at this point in time, when we first separated, was when I joined yoga (you can read about my personal journey in the blog "My Story"). I thought yoga, meditation and new age reading like "The Secret" and "The Power of Now" were the answers to my problems. I wont go into detail because my other blog is all about this, but it wasn't the answer. At this point in time I hadn't really been talking to or seeing Charlie, but little did I know that as I was on a journey of digging deeper into myself, so was he, AND we were on the same path without even knowing it. As my journey continued, after traveling to Europe and so on, I did find myself when I found Jesus! It just so happens that Charlie did the same thing! Or maybe Jesus found us, I don't know, maybe he calling us all along. But separately, Charlie and I both developed a deep relationship with God, through Jesus. Can you image how fun and crazy it was to start talking again and realize we had both discovered something so, so, so wonderful? Something that finally made complete sense, Truth about life. Can you imagine, two people who rarely spoke of God, being transformed, separately, so that our hearts are now set on fire for Christ!? A miracle if you ask me. But then again, now I understand all things are possible with God.
We both entered back into our relationship feeling complete as individuals because we were fully and intimately loved by God. This freed the relationship of any underlying needs and our love blossomed so beautifully. Our relationship is such a blessing to me, I could cry just thinking about it. We love each other so, so intimately (not sexually) but there is a freedom in our love, not a desperate need. I could live my life in a cardboard box with him and be completely satisfied. I could get married and have no wedding at all, but be in complete bliss. I could go on forever about this too... but I'll stop now lol. The point is, our relationship has become something I never could have imagined... and I really thought it was special in the beginning! Wow, I had no idea how great God is and what He can do when you let Him.
God's love
It is true that God is the answer for most problems in our lives, but we choose to forget about Him or ignore Him. I am not excluding myself here. For so long God was right in front of my face but I chose to look else where. It is like we are deceived by the ego (evil) which tells us God is not real or God is a joke. But! God is love. God's love is intimate love. He loves each of us personally and individually.
It is true that God is the answer for most problems in our lives, but we choose to forget about Him or ignore Him. I am not excluding myself here. For so long God was right in front of my face but I chose to look else where. It is like we are deceived by the ego (evil) which tells us God is not real or God is a joke. But! God is love. God's love is intimate love. He loves each of us personally and individually.
To try to get a visual of this and relate God's love to relationship; imagine God's love as an endless stream of water. We are thirsty, and either we can't find the stream or we don't know it exists, so we take a glass of water brought to us by another person (our bf/gf...). The water runs out, and we are thirsty again. (P.S. *At times the other person could be bringing us toxic water, lol ie tainted love, but we drink it anyway) Another persons love may not always be pure, unconditional and everlasting, but God's is. We should go directly to the stream to satisfy our thirst day after day (and lead others there too!) This leaves each of us feeling absolute love and also fills any voids we may feel inside. Just like a stream never runs out of water, Gods love never runs out.
When we allow ourselves to fill up on Gods intimate love, than our relationships with people are no longer means to an end, or ways to temporarily fill something that we are missing. Relationships then become completely fun and built on values of selflessness because we no longer NEED another person to feel whole, but instead can just enjoy the relationship and experience absolute freedom and joy.
Good news
The good part is, if you are suffering from an ended relationship (or any other issue for that matter), God will use your weakness to help you realize your need for Him. Maybe that is a concept that is hard to understand, but just know that this difficult time can be a reminder that God is here to help, just ask.
The good part is, if you are suffering from an ended relationship (or any other issue for that matter), God will use your weakness to help you realize your need for Him. Maybe that is a concept that is hard to understand, but just know that this difficult time can be a reminder that God is here to help, just ask.
OK, so how do we get to know God, if we never met Him before, never spoke to Him and have no idea what or who He is? In a book called "Radical", David Platt, a Christian, explains it perfectly.
In the book, David tell a true story about a time he was sitting outside a Buddhist temple in Indonesia. He was engaged in a conversation with a Muslim and a Buddhist leader. They were discussing how all religions are fundamentally the same and only superficially different. One of the leaders said "We may have different views about small issues but when it comes down to essential issues each of our religions are the same."David listened for a while and then they asked him what he thought. He said "It sounds as though you both picture God (or whatever you call god) at the top of a mountain. It seems as if you believe that we are all at the bottom of the mountain, and I may take one route up the mountain, you may take another, but in the end we will all end up in the same place." They smiled as David spoke and then they replied "Exactly! You understand!" Then David leaned in and said "Now let me ask you a question. What would you think if I told you that the God at the top of the mountain actually came down to where we are? What would you think if I told you that God doesn't wait for people to find their way to him, but instead he comes to us?" The Buddhist and the Muslim thought for a moment and then said "That would be great." and David replied, "Let me introduce you to Jesus Christ."
The truth.
There is only one truth in the world. I am not here to be a lawyer for Jesus Christ, but I am a witness! I only have my experiences, just as all of us do. I have lived this and seen His miracles throughout my life and know there are many more to come. I have been transformed by His love and my life has become a cherished gift. So here is my story of love, my explanation of love, and a description of how God loves us. We know that LOVE is His language, and God IS love. We know that God loves us so much that He came down to earth, as Jesus Christ. We need this truth and knowledge, because it wont come to us by sitting on a rock. We need to experience pain and weakness sometimes in order to see our need for God. We need to share our stories with others, so we can all be awakened and dance in the freedom! :) I understand how painful it is to break up with someone, and the hurt is strong --but God is stronger! Don't we want pure, true, selfless love in our lives? If we seek it from Jesus first, all else will be added to us. :) So I would encourage all those who are having a hard time with relationships or anything at all, to go to the stream of Gods love and drink it up! Pick up a book or listen to a YouTube video, watch a movie about Jesus... anything. All you need is the desire and want to know Him and He will guide you, just ask and have faith.
There is only one truth in the world. I am not here to be a lawyer for Jesus Christ, but I am a witness! I only have my experiences, just as all of us do. I have lived this and seen His miracles throughout my life and know there are many more to come. I have been transformed by His love and my life has become a cherished gift. So here is my story of love, my explanation of love, and a description of how God loves us. We know that LOVE is His language, and God IS love. We know that God loves us so much that He came down to earth, as Jesus Christ. We need this truth and knowledge, because it wont come to us by sitting on a rock. We need to experience pain and weakness sometimes in order to see our need for God. We need to share our stories with others, so we can all be awakened and dance in the freedom! :) I understand how painful it is to break up with someone, and the hurt is strong --but God is stronger! Don't we want pure, true, selfless love in our lives? If we seek it from Jesus first, all else will be added to us. :) So I would encourage all those who are having a hard time with relationships or anything at all, to go to the stream of Gods love and drink it up! Pick up a book or listen to a YouTube video, watch a movie about Jesus... anything. All you need is the desire and want to know Him and He will guide you, just ask and have faith.
I love you all soo much!!!
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