Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Judgement Day.

Hi, everyone. A lot of people have been nervous about all this talk of Judgment day, which is said to be this Saturday, May 21, 2011, so I thought I would write a blog on the topic. 

First off, I want to ask you all a couple of questions:
Take a second and actually answer both of these.

1) What do you think is going to happen on Judgement day (besides the world beginning to come to an end)? or what is the purpose of a day of judgment, anyway?
2) What are you, yes YOU, prepared to do (spiritually, that is) if Saturday was actually Judgment day? 

To explain the answer to the first question...

The Bible clearly talks about there being a day when Jesus will come back to earth to judge the living and dead and decide what their destination will be for eternity, Heaven or Hell. When this time period starts, there is going to be many signs that show its beginning. For a full list of the signs click here (read the list or skim through it, then return to reading here. *its very important to read the list because the signs are already happening). The world as we know it will come to an end one day. This is the truth. And it is not the truth because I am saying it, who am I anyway, this is the truth because GOD says it and Jesus even came to earth to make sure we heard it clearly. Do we choose to listen, or turn our back on God? That is our own decision, God gave us free will. 

Before I continue, I just want to state really quickly what it means to hear the truth and turn your back on it:
If you are a person who has heard about Jesus, has heard about judgment day, has heard that Jesus is the only way to salvation and to Heaven, and have chosen to either ignore it, or "believe" in Jesus with the words you say but not truly and fully with your heart, it does not mean you are going to be excluded from the judgement, just because you don't believe in Judgment day.

An example to help understand what this means is this:
Lets say a tornado is about to hit us really hard. The news stations take over every TV channel and are warning us that we have only one day to board up our house, get everything prepared, grab our family and evacuate.  If I sat in my house, heard the news but chose to say "Ehh, I don't believe it. The tornado is not gonna come and hit my house. Something like that would never happen on Long Island. I will just stay put right here- I do not believe it will actually happen." Does that mean the tornado would skip over my house because I chose, by my free will, to ignore the warnings and not seek help? NO! I would just wind up dead, a decision I made for myself. Therefore, by choosing not to believe that Judgment day will soon come- you will not and cannot save yourself. Judgment will not be skipped over you simply because you said you do not believe.  

OK so back to the reason why people are saying Judgment day is this Saturday... its all because of a man who was an engineer turned preacher who has studied very deeply the chronology in the Bible and came to HIS OWN conclusion about the date when the world would end. 

The key words here are "HIS OWN", incase it wasn't clear enough lol. Jesus specifically says in the Bible that NO ONE but the Father knows when the day will come. And if Jesus said no one- GOD HIMSELF told us that- that means no one. 

The second question I asked up top was: 

What are you, yes YOU, prepared to do (spiritually, that is) if Saturday was actually Judgment day?

Im not sure of what you answered here, but what I am sure of is this -that you cannot save yourself, not by your own good deeds or good heart or kind soul or yoga or meditation or prayer or religion. You cannot save yourself no matter what you do. If your answer to the question above was something like "I will be going to Heaven because I am a good person, i have never murdered anyone or done anything bad, so I am not worried", or "I am Catholic, (or Protestant, or baptist or Lutheran or Christian....), so I am going to Heaven.", or "I am a devout Jew and follow my religion very closely and follow all the laws given to us by Moses, therefore I will be in Heaven."... I can tell you that (not by my own authority -because I have none- but by the authority of God Almighty!) none of those things can get you to Heaven. Again, you cannot save yourself. 

THAT IS SO HORRIBLE!!!! WHY IS THIS????? I DONT GET IT!

Our good deeds, being a good person, our religion and so on cannot get us to Heaven because, first off, none of us inherently know right from wrong. We live in a society whose leaders came together and decided the laws of what is right and wrong for us to do. Every society in the world has done this. We live by these laws and think they make us righteous, or good people. But all we are is simply good at following rules. And what is right in our society may be wrong in another one, therefore blurring the lines of right and wrong in the first place.
 
For example, in our society it may be wrong to marry more than one person, in another it may be right and considered good. Another example, in our society drugs are illegal, in another smoking drugs is a way to develop a deeper spiritual awareness. Another example, murder is wrong in our culture in all situations except self defense, in another society if one person kills your brother revenge is a right you have, an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth. We as human beings have no inherit understanding of right from wrong.

Our only true knowledge of right and wrong was given to us by God himself through the 10 Commandments. I am sure you have all heard of the 10 commandments and have maybe dismissed them as "religious stuff" like I did. God, The Father and Creator of Heaven and Earth, gave us 10 things to live by. 10! Thats it! He told us to live by ALL 10 of these and we will be considered righteous in his eyes and worthy of Heaven in his Holy presence. 

Here are the 10 Commandments: (think about how many you live by)

1. You shall have no other gods beside Me.
2. You shall not make to you any graven image. You shall not bow down yourself to them, nor serve them. (this means have no idols- no one above God. An idol is anything you put above God- this could be something as simple your blackberry or as deep as a Buddha or Mother Theresa)
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. (Using God, Jesus' name as a curse or out of anger)
4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy, six days shall you labor, and do all your work.
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you. (respect your parents)
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery. (cheat on your spouse)
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. (Lie about anyone or to anyone ever)
10.You shall not desire . . . anything that is your neighbor's. (Don't be jealous or envious ever)
 
WHOAAA OK who just read these and pooped their pants?!! ME!! I am literally guilty of almost every single one of these. The truth is EVERY SINGLE PERSON, including YOU, stands guilty right now before God. God told us what to live by- but we all fail. If Judgment day were to be on Saturday we would all be judged to Hell, not Heaven. 

But why I am not having a nervous breakdown right now? One name- JESUS CHRIST.
Ever since the fall of humanity starting with Adam and Eve (read my other blog "getting to know God" for more info on this) we are all full of sin down to the simplest one of -lying or envying. And in Gods eyes sin is sin- whether it is lying or murdering- they are the same in His eyes, they are both sin and equal to him.

Because of all our inequities and our failure to do what is right, God could have destroyed the world long ago and started over again but He chose, because of His endless mercy, to come down to earth, proclaim the truth, pay the price for the sins of humanity on himself, lower himself to the lowest of the lowest place and hang on a cross to make us right with Himself. He told us "The only way to the Father is through the Son". The only way into Heaven with God -is through Jesus who suffered for us.  

We have the choice every day to go on living as if the tornado will never hit your house or to turn and make a decision to be on Gods side. God calls us to forgive any and every single person in our lives who we are angry at. To clean our hearts of the resentment that will rot inside of us if we don't let it go.  Choose to look into the eyes of God and ask Him for forgiveness. Ask him to forgive you for acting like you never needed him and could save yourself. Ask him to forgive you for breaking his Commandments. Ask Him to forgive you for all that you have done that displeased him. Ask him to save you. To come into your heart and take away the sin that sits there. Take away the jealousy, take away the lies, take away the hurt and confusion. Tell him you need him and can do nothing about your own judgment. Cry out to the Lord Jesus. And raise your hands in surrender. 

Stop reading and do it right now if you feel it in your heart.

Jesus is our salvation. The answer to every question we have. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is the way to Heaven. We are unworthy without Him. We cannot save ourselves, but JESUS has saved us- will we accept His gift? When you forgive others, ask for forgiveness and call him into your heart he will blow you away. He will take each one of your insecurities and issues and wash them away from you. he will give you salvation. "Ask and you shall receive" He tells us. I can proudly say JESUS IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR AND HE HAS CHANGED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I AM MADE NEW BECAUSE HE HAS SUFFERED FOR ME. I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO DIE BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL FINALLY BE WITH MY TRUE LOVE.

Please email me if you have any questions or want to know more about Jesus and how to have a relationship with him, or even if your just confused about all this or worried about Judgment day. I am here to help. Please don't be shy.  nfonovich@gmail.com I love you all!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Unanswered prayers

Maybe many of you have tried praying in the past and have given up because you didn't get an answer or because you are unsure of how you would even get an answer... I know it may seem like you are sending out empty prayers and it can be kind of discouraging. There are a couple of things that are important to know before turning your back on prayer..

First, ask yourself, are you a child of God?

Many of us, I'm not excluding myself here, have forgotten completely about God until we are in a time of need. I am not condemning anyone, just want to bring something to our attention. Think about that friend you have who only calls when they need something.. how annoying and hurtful is that person? 
We must realize that this is what we often do to God! We want to use him for our selfish needs- like that rude friend does to us. We ignore him, don't want any relationship with him, and then we call on him to help us.

Some of us don't even acknowledge that there is a God and still say things like, "Thank God" or "Pray for the troops" or "Pray for Japan". Again, I'm not condemning anyone here but can we imagine how insulting that is to God, the creator of everything! Imagine this for a second, someone you know is choking and you save their life. Literally, they would be dead if it wasn't for you.. then they turn around and spit on you and disgrace you and embarrass you in front of everyone. They deny you even helped them and turn their back on you. A month passes by and that same person is in need of your help again. They plead with you to help them, and you do because you forgave them but they only disgrace you and abandon you again. Then they need help finding a job, or meeting a spouse or getting over a sickness so they ask you to help them again.. This happens over and over and over again... That's kind of what we do to God when we deny his existence and then pray to him when we need something.. it gets old!

Then there is the other situation, where we may forget about God all together and then when something goes wrong in our lives we scream "WHY GOD!!" and put all the blame on him. How dare we! The gall! haha but seriously are we crazy to do that?!

All God wants from us -is US. He wants you to love him because he loves you so much. He is starved for your attention, and there you are just ignoring him until your desperate. The beautiful thing is, though, Gods forgiveness is as wide as the East is from the West, and he is waiting for you to just turn to him and say sorry for using him and calling on him only when you were desperate. Sorry for not caring to know him, but expecting him to do everything for you at the blink of an eye. Sorry for blaming him when something in your life goes wrong, when he is never the cause of it. The moment we take notice of our sins- (as Christians call these faults)- and humble ourselves enough to ask Jesus (Read my past blog to understand Jesus) to forgive us and then trust with all our hearts that he CAN and WILL forgive us, we become children of God, rather then strangers. 

When you are a child of God, you can start to build your relationship with him. Your prayers are no longer shots in the dark but rather communication between you and the Creator of the Universe. 

I think it is important to remember that we are not just saying with our mouths "Im sorry, God" but rather feeling this fully in our hearts. We can all understand what it feels like to need someone's forgiveness and be desperate for it. We have experienced this feeling in life before with friends or family. If you feel like you cant connect with God in order to be sorry, like you can with a person - Just look to Jesus- the One who saved us all (read my last blog). Apologize to him, from the bottom of your heart. When you are truly sorry and change your views and accept God into your heart rather then rejecting him, he will forgive you.  

When this repentance takes place between you and Jesus, you are given a gift. This gift is called the Holy Spirit, it is the Spirit of God which lives within us and guides us like a light at our feet. If we don't have this gift from God, we cannot hear his voice so clearly. (Read more about the Holy Spirit in my last blog). 

After establishing a relationship with Jesus, the walls have fallen down and the communication between you and God is wide open. Think about it, talking to God or praying without truly acknowledging him and wanting to know him is like locking someone in a soundproof room and then standing outside the room and talking to the closed door. OPEN THE DOOR PEOPLE! Let God in! Or rather, you walk into the presence of God- and wow how beautiful it is to be there.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Getting to know God.

Hi guys! I know I keep encouraging everyone to open up and invite Jesus into our hearts, and I have described the effect that this has had on my life, but I have not yet explained why Jesus is so important. We know (or maybe we don't know yet) Jesus is the Son of God, who rose from the dead. But many may wonder, as did I, what this even means. So here is the story of Jesus Christ, which will hopefully explain how and why we are so beautifully transformed when we accept Christ as our savior. Christ as our savior? I know--- that statement sounds weird and "religious" so our automatic reaction is to turn our attention away. I understand this because maybe I would have wanted to do the same before I knew God. But! for anyone who is on the search for truth in life- please stay tuned and keep an open, receptive mind and heart. The details of His story, since I am writing in my own words may not be exact, but it is not the small details that are important. What is important is what God has done for us, through Jesus, and what happens in our lives when we accept this truth.

The start
When God made the world and people, He did not intend for us to turn away from Him.
Wait a minute- How do we know that God made the world or people? What about evolution? the big bang theory? Well, everyone is entitled to believe in evolution -as I once did too, but anyone who has done some soul searching will soon find out (if you haven't already) that there most definitely exists a higher power much greater than our tiny selves, who is not a part of any man made theory. Some of us may think of this higher power as God, "the universe", "our higher selves"... and so on..

I feel that the acknowledgment of a higher power is a good first step. The only problem with viewing the higher power as something other than God is, there is no Jesus without God. And Jesus is the key. What we often tend to reject, or find “narrowminded”, is the FACT that the only way to know God is through Jesus...stay tuned. 

New age
I was talking with a good friend the other day about new age thinking. She has been into the "power of positive thinking"-thing for a while and has read many books on the surrounding subjects. She was confessing she was beginning to have a difficult time truly exhibiting the "positive energy.." ideas put forth in these books and maintaining this outlook day after day. After talking for a bit she had a revelation and concluded that the issue she was having with new age thinking was, that a major contradiction continuously comes up in each of the books she reads. Almost all the books seem to talk about surrendering to the higher power of the "universe" (or some other energy along those lines), but at the same time having the power to change reality within ourselves

I could definitely understand this issue because I had the same one in my past. How are we supposed to surrender, yet at the same time be in control? Is there a higher power or are we the higher power? It can't be both. It doesn't make sense.. Something is missing. Jesus is the missing piece here. There is a powerful, marvelous, mysterious reason why Jesus is the only way to God. By understanding Jesus' story, which I will explain in a bit, things should start to connect and make sense.

Opinion vs. truth
Before getting into the story of Jesus, I think we should all first take a step back and understand the difference between popular belief vs. truth. Although this seems to be common sense, a lot of people forget to distinguish this difference when it comes to spirituality. Just because a group of people, or you or I as individuals, have a certain belief, it does not necessarily mean the belief truth. For example, people long ago believed that the sun was a god and they worshiped it daily. Because they rejected the GOD, the one higher supreme power of the universe. They chose to ignore that God had to have made the sun, and that he is not a sun (or any of the other man made "god" that people worship). Today we understand the purpose of the sun and know it is not a god. Does the fact that millions of people once proclaimed and believed with all their hearts that the sun was a higher power, actually give it any power at all? No. If every person ever born believed in Santa Clause would that make him real? Just because we all believed? No. (Sorry if I just ruined Christmas for anyone :/ cats out of the bag. Santa isn't real.) Opinion or belief does not create truth, it is the opposite, actually.

This idea of belief vs. truth exists very widely today. As Americans we have tendencies to want to do what is best for ourselves and what works for our lives, we like convenience. We sometimes even avoid the truth or blatantly lie to ourselves because the truth doesn't fit well in our lives. We do this with relationships, jobs, and everyday activities, like eating. For example, we may know in our hearts that our relationship is a bad one, but we convince ourselves it will work and things will get better. Inside we know the truth, but facing the truth will lead us to have to change something, and change isn't always convenient. Another example; we may know that eating unhealthy food will eventually cause health problems, but we will lie to ourselves and tell ourselves "this one cookie won't hurt", and we do this over and over again. When the truth is not convenient for us, we sometimes choose to disregard it. We especially do this when it comes to our spirituality.

We shop around through the many different spiritual beliefs until we find one that works smoothest in our lives. The one that will best fit our egos. Maybe we pick the simplest belief so we don't have to put much thought into it, maybe we pick the belief that we think will get us rich and attract money to us through laws of the attraction, maybe we just chose the most popular belief, the new fad in Hollywood, or the belief that we were taught in our households growing up. Maybe its all just way too complicated so we choose to not have any belief at all and call ourselves atheist.

We may say "I believe this", or "I believe that" or "I believe in riencarnation", "I believe in ghosts", "I believe in heaven", "I believe in myself"...  as if saying "I believe.." makes it real truth!  We understand that we cant say "I believe in the tooth fairy" to make her real, yet we think we can do this when it comes to spirituality. Its actually really silly! And I definitely don't exclude myself here because I had previously done this. We think that there cant be ONE way, because there are so many “ways” (other options-not from God but from man), so we pick the one that we feel is best for us to believe in.

Of course not every person just chooses to settle for the most convenient belief or create their own belief. Some people choose to search, seek and grow; using their personal experiences in order to further their understanding of life. It is these people, who I believe will all eventually find the solid truth, which lies only in Jesus.

Now, just because Jesus is my personal belief, that does not make Him real either. Who am I, anyway? I'm just a human among many. All I have are my experiences and my words. And my words mean nothing! But the words of The God of all, mean everything. And I invite you to be open to experience the truth found in God and His Word for your selves. 

OK so we understand now that we have no power to change what is truth vs what is lie. We can only make a conscious decision to listen to what God had to say while he was here on earth. Since he is pure, and almighty, he is the only one who can speak truth.

Jesus Christ
So, who is Jesus? How do we know he is real? and why do we care anyway?

Let's go back to the statement: When God created the world and people he did not intend for us to turn away from him. Now, imagine God for a second, a Spirit in the sky, perfectly content and happy, yet wanting others to see his glory and share in it with him. Maybe we can understand this by imagining if someone gave us a ticket to paradise... Although paradise is absolutely beautiful no matter what, how much better is paradise when you have someone to share it with? Would you even really want to go alone? By sharing his paradise, God sees himself Glorified in his own creation. He can only hope to see Himself or Jesus (one in the same), glorified because only those two powers are perfect in this world. He doesn’t want to see me glorified, or any other human, priest, pope, mother Theresa, because they are not PERFECT like Jesus. Gods love lies within himself, and is targeted at all of us.

...So, God created the world and people. (There is a lot more to the story here, but I'll keep it as short and simple as possible. If anyone wants more detail -just ask). God loved his creations so much, that he made us with free will. He knew he would have no satisfaction in creating little robots that were programmed without thought to just worship him all day. He wanted us to want to love him. And he wants to be the one to pick us up off the ground when we fall. He wants us to desire Him to be our everything. So he gave us the choice to do as we pleased. And starting from the first people ever created, we didn't chose God.

Adam and Eve
Now, Im sure you have heard the story of Adam and Eve before and have possibly decided to throw it out the window, like I did when it didn’t fit into what was cool or popular. Growing up, I was taught many bible stories, but could never really picture them being true. I dismissed the stories as sort of fairy tales. Now, though, I would put my hands in the fire for any of the stories because my heart has been transformed and the blinders have been lifted off my eyes. So, if you have heard the story of Adam and Eve before, please try to view it now with new eyes. You have a choice: believe a theory, or accept what Gods words are, and embrace them as your own. 

The first people God creates are a man, Adam and a woman, Eve. He gives them a beautiful paradise to enjoy. They are so blissful and in pure peace, because they are in Gods direct loving presence. They are naked, but don't even realize it because their hearts are focused on God, rather than themselves. As they are walking through their beautiful paradise, God tells them they can enjoy fruit from any of the trees he has made for them, except one. He says that the one tree that is off limits will cause them anguish and he is protecting them from any sort of pain. 

Free will
Since God gave people free will, free will involves making decisions for yourself. When Adam and Eve are fully enveloped in Gods light, they have no desire to eat from the forbidden tree. This means there is no actual decision making involved, which would mean they don't have free will. So, since God is fair and just, he allowed for there to be a opposing voice, (this is the evil in the world, aka Satan) speaking to Adam and Even just as clearly as God had. He allowed for Satan, in the form of a serpent, to sit in the forbidden tree and offer an opposing view on the fruits of the tree, therefore giving Adam and Even the option to choose God or evil. Remember, without the serpent, Adam and Eve would be essentially robots.

The serpent talks to Eve and tells her that God is hiding special powers from them and if they eat the fruit of the forbidden tree, they can have these special powers. Now, Adam and Even knew that God was the One who created them and they could clearly feel all the happiness and beauty surrounding them, but they were faced with a decision; to believe the serpent or to trust God. They sadly chose to eat the fruit of the forbidden tree and believe the deceiver. 

*Our Issue Today
The minute they ate the fruit, they suddenly became concerned with the self. Do not miss this. If you do not know, or have rejected the story of Adam and Eve, this is a good reason why we need to reconsider! This story speaks to us directly and points out our present abandonment to God. When they turned from God they were no longer free and careless in his presence, but instead worried and uncomfortable. For the first time, they actually realized they were naked and felt ashamed. They became self-conscious

Today, we can relate with these feelings of being self-conscious. We are constantly concerned with the way we appear to the world. We even undergo major surgeries to change our appearances because we are so self conscious! This goes all the way back to Adam and Eve, who chose to turn from God and therefore step out of His brilliant light and into the darkness of Satan, who comes through for us today as the ego, deceiver, accuser and tempter. Our current focus as people is typically only on ourselves, unless we choose to step into the brilliance of Gods light, which washes out all of the self-absorbed feelings. It is through Jesus, that we are forgiven and able to step back into Gods glorious light. 

Right from the first creation of people, we didn't chose God! That is why today, it is not the common or natural thing for us to do. We choose Satan over God and still continuously do it. We often even oppose the idea of God, and "convince ourselves" (its actually Satan-the ultimate deceiver/ego convincing us) that God isn't worth all of our love and devotion.  

Take some time to digest this, and lets fast forward.
This is where the story of beautiful Jesus begins.

How God saves us
God, being fully spirit, having no physical body -male nor female, decides he will come to earth himself, to pay the debt for our betrayal of him and also lead us back to his love. He does this by being born on earth into the human flesh. God is omnipresent, meaning he is present everywhere at the same time. This allows him to be the God of the universe and also be spiritually in the body of a human, Jesus -which means 'The Lord saves'. We need to think about Jesus as the skin that holds together an eternal presence who created the universe. He is not just a man, but the only way God could walk on “out turf” as if he had legs like ours.

God being God, could have zapped himself to earth in the form of a king, sat on a thrown, and ordered everyone around. But! Since our God is a humble God, he instead was born to this earth as a newborn child. And to a poor mother, to say the least. God wanted to show us that this life on earth is not about money or riches, it is about loving God, and loving each other as God loves us. Jesus' mothers name is Mary, and I would love to talk more about her, but I'll try to keep the story as simple as possible (just ask if you want more details, though!) Basically to sum it up, I will just say that Mary was a virgin when she conceived Jesus. This fact should not make us stumble; it should be clear by this point that we are only human, and everything is possible with God.

Now when Gods spirit entered into a human body, he too felt all of the temptations and lies from Satan that we, as humans, deal with everyday. In fact, Satan knew Jesus was God in the flesh, so he fired all his ammo at him every day! Since Jesus was human, he had the same options that we all have. He could choose to trust God, or fall into temptation, like Adam and Eve did and we all do.

Jesus' story
Jesus was raised like a normal child, yet throughout his childhood, his mother would often find him in the temple "praying to my father" as he would say. When Jesus got older, around the age of 30, he traveled from town to town teaching everyone of the love and forgiveness of our God. He also taught them how God intended for us to live; full of love for God and love and acceptance for each other. 

At first, many people didn't care to listen to Jesus; they knew of him as a poor kid from Nazareth, knew him as a child, knew his mother and didn't see how he could know anything about God. But once people started to listen to him speak, they started to see that he viewed life much differently than they did. For example, if someone steals something from you or hurts you in any way, you may dislike that person. Jesus would speak about how easy it is to love the people who love you, but how it takes a godly person to love the people who hate and hurt you. People loved this new way to look at life and one another.   

The more people listened to Jesus, they could see something so beautiful in his spirit and they believed him when he said he was the Son of God. Only when they believed him, would he show them the miracles he was capable of and heal people right in front of their eyes. He would cure the blind and heal the dying and more. Jesus' purposes from God the Father were not to walk around and show people miracles in order for them to believe, this would again defeat the purpose of free will. If people see proof, they have no decision to make. Proof is proof. Gods purpose was to give people the option to believe Jesus or not to, just like we still have the option today.  It is not about proof or our "God experiments" turning out right. It is purely about faith. God made it so much easier and better off for us. All we have to do is believe in him and the work he has done and is still doing.

I can tell you from personal experience that since opening my heart to Jesus and believing he is the Son of God, I have seen miracles in front of my face. I would love to share some, if anyone is interested just ask.  

Religion
Since many people loved Jesus and all he stood for, they decided to follow him in what he was saying. This angered the religious leaders of the towns, called Pharisees. Pharisees were robed "priests" so to say, who created their own truth by illusions, and created "holy" ritual to follow. The tried to make themselves holy before God by their own ways. God used the Pharisees to show us how religion is just useless ritual and law without Jesus.

This idea of religious people still continues today. Many of you may know a very religious person who thinks they know everything there is to know about God and speaks of Gods love, yet showcases little love in their own hearts. This is why religion and humans often corrupts Gods purity. God cares nothing about knowing a lot of information about him, it is about knowing him personally and therefore exhibiting his love through your life. 

Anyway, these Pharisees were getting really angry that Jesus was claiming to be the Son of God and people were listening to him, instead of them. They were jealous and outraged and often tried to catch Jesus in a lie or test him on his knowledge of God. They always wound up looking silly in the end.

The passion of Christ
Eventually, the Pharisees became so angered by Jesus, they decided they wanted him dead because he was shining light on their flawed belief system which made them incredibly intimidated by him. They all got together and gathered anyone who thought Jesus was a liar, and went to Pontius Pilate to ask permission to kill Jesus (there is much more detail here but I am being sparce) Pilate, he told them they had no evidence of Jesus ever doing anything wrong, so they would not be allowed to kill Him. This angered the Pharisees so they told Pilate that they were going to riot and cause absolute chaos if he didn't allow for them to kill Jesus. Even though he knew Jesus was a good man, and his wife even told him not to allow Jesus to be killed (she had a dream about Jesus), he didn't want craziness through the states, so he said they could do as they wanted with Jesus.

Since Jesus is the Son of God, He knew that this was His fate. He knew He was going to be ceased and killed. He understood that His purpose in life was to come to earth to personally take on the sinful nature in all of us since the first creation of man and women, and therefore allow us to feel what it is like to live in Gods light again. Jesus was to pay the price of all the sins of the world, past, present and future on the cross. Since God is fair, he chose not to just erase the fact that we chose to turn our backs on him, someone had to pay the price, and he decided to pay it himself. He payed for what we did, and did it by using his own body and blood sacrifice; a sacrifice we people can understand, and physically see, so we would have no question what was going on. 

Jesus was in a garden at night praying to God for strength because he knew what awaited him. He was already starting to bare the burdens of suffering for our sins, and being tempted by Satan to escape by a different death, and was literally sweating out blood from his pores. The pain and burden was so severe for his human nature, but he took it all in order to free us.

While Jesus was in the garden, the officials ceased Him and dragged Him to be locked up and than crucified. When all the people who loved Jesus heard this, they were distraught. Jesus had taught them so much about Gods love, and the were finally free from the grips of temptation, worry, anxiety and all of the feelings that Satan holds on us. Jesus' followers wanted this same freedom for all of their future generations as well, but didn't know how this would be if Jesus was going to be killed. They wondered, if people didn't know Jesus, how could they know God?

The Pharisees hired men to beat Jesus so, so horribly, with chains and whips and knives till his skin was completely shredded up. They did this in front of a crowd of people and Jesus' mother Mary had to watch her Son bare all of this. She tried to go and comfort him, but they wouldn't let her. They put a crown made of thorns on his head and mocked him saying "now look at the king, the so called son of God!". All this time Jesus endured the pain without even cursing a word to the men. After the beatings, they made Jesus carry the cross they would crucify him on up a hill and whipped him till he got there. Once at the top, they nailed his wrists and ankles to the cross and slit a hole in the side of his ribs with a knife. They pulled the cross upright on the hill for every person to see.

The Pharisees mocked Him saying "If you are the son of God why don't you come down from that cross". The whole time though, he was forgiving the people who were doing this to him at this exact moment. While a few mocked, all the others cried so hard because they knew of his pure love for us. After long, painful hours, Jesus died. The moment He died, the whole earth shook, and lightning and thunder roared. A banner that hung over the hill where Jesus died, snapped in half. All the Pharisees were petrified because they knew just then that Jesus really is the Son of God. And that they had just killed and tortured the Son of God!

The resurrection
Eventually, a friend of Jesus took his body off the cross, wrapped it tightly in shrines, put it in a tomb and closed it with a massive rock. Three days later, Jesus' friends went to say a prayer by the tomb, and found that the rock had been moved and the body of Jesus was gone. Automatically, they assumed the Pharisees had stolen his body. But when they stepped inside the tomb, they found the shrines laying perfectly where his body should have been, as if they body had evaporated. They were very confused and left the tomb feeling uneasy. They ran to tell Jesus' mother what had happened. As they were all together, Jesus walked into where they were gathering. He was risen from the dead! As soon as they saw Jesus, a flame appeared above each of their heads.

The gift of the Holy Spirit
The flame was the Spirit of God being born into the bodies of all the believers of Jesus, for all generations to come. Now we can walk with Jesus always, if we chose to have faith in him. And when we do this, his Spirit becomes part of us and nothing can ever take it away from us. No person, no circumstance, no tragedy, no lostness. Our flesh (bodies and soul), on the other hand, can be taken from us any moment; we can lose our minds, have anxiety disorders, become depressed, paralyzed, diseased and so on. When we live without Jesus, we are in a vulnerable state at all times, nothing in life is certain. The Holy Spirit when awakened through believing Christ died for YOU, is untouchable. We are stamped with the Holy Spirit, the seal of approval. Ephesians 1:13 states: "And now you have all heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago." The spirit is ours, freeing us from concerns of body and soul, left to just BE. And when we can just BE present in the Spirit, we live blessed life's because we get to live like Jesus Christ, nice and close to God with no hold of any temptation on us at all . Not ruled by a desire of any sort. Just FREE.  :)

Jesus rising from the dead was meant to show us that death is not the end. He proved to us that he is the SAVIOR of everyone, and death has lost its sting. He fulfilled all the requirements of being the savior. He helps us to see life eternally, rather than just thinking this world is so important. The world is not important, the people of the world are. Today we focus more on money and things and selfishness rather than people.

Absolute and complete freedom
We need to awaken to the truth. We are so close! We know in our hearts there is more to life. We try and try to live lives full of purpose; doing good, being balanced, being positive, being healthy... but all we can do is try, we cant ever just BE. This is where the problem with self-help comes in. I have been there -reading the books about self improvement, trying to remember all of the things I must do to be a happy, balanced person. It is just too much trying, too much remembering, never coming naturally. Because without Jesus Christ, we can only live by body and soul, disconnected from God. Our focuses, even when they are supposed to be on others, on family, on friends on inner happiness... are still for the most part only on ourselves. We want to make others feel good so we can feel good! Its not our fault though, we are lost, and confused trying to just feel HAPPY! But the motive is all wrong without Jesus.

We trying to live righteously but  it is impossible to do so perfectly and effortlessly. Without God, we are only living for the flesh, the physical body and soul part of us. But the body and soul will die and be buried with this earth and whatever is than left in us will be doomed to eternal separation from God (aka Hell). The Holy Spirit of God will go on, though. We can only be truly and naturally selfless and free when we stop living for the body and soul and awaken the Spirit, by accepting Jesus Christ as our personal savior. He is the key. (You can read more info on body, soul and spirt in my first blog- "The search for our true selves").

Over 500 people witnessed seeing Jesus crucified and then seeing Him alive and resurrected.

You can look up "the real face of Jesus" and see how the shrine that covered Jesus face has been recovered and scientists were able to see what His true face looks like! Its amazing.

You can also see what happened to Jesus on earth for yourselves, if you rent the movie "The Passion of The Christ".

We are baring a burden we were never meant to bare. Jesus has already bared it all, all we need to do is acknowledge him and what he has done for us on the cross. Accept that he died on the cross to save YOU from the hurt of this life. He is our Savior. He saved me from any lostness and freed me, I am a witness.


I love you all so much! God bless.
You have to read this blog after. Its so important and a quick read.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The love we ache for.


This blog is my opinion on relationships and break-ups. Every person has different experiences, but this is what I have learned throughout mine. If anyone has a story they would like to share, or another opinion, please feel free to message me. :) 

OK I want to start off by asking:
What do we seek when we enter into a relationship? 

I'm sure the answer to this question varies from person to person, but I think the overwhelming response would be love. When we enter into a relationship, ultimately we are seeking love. We all long to love and to be loved.

Falling in love
...And what an amazing feeling it is to fall in love! 
Doesn't it seem like every care in the world starts to lift off our shoulders? And many the concerns in our lives that once brought on stress or sadness, seem to become less important and less of a problem? Maybe falling in love feels like this because we have someone to share our burdens with and no longer have to do it alone, or maybe its because love distracts us from our burdens in the first place. There is a certain freedom that we all feel when we fall in love. It just feels like we are more complete and fulfilled. 

Falling out of love
Unfortunately though, not all relationships last forever. Sometimes things in a relationship start to go in the opposite direction... and the feelings that were once so wonderful, start to become toxic. The relationship that once brought us freedom, now makes us feel trapped. This is one of the hardest truths to face... and many of us choose not to face it at all. I think this is why people say "love is blind"... It seems in so many cases, we would rather put up with all the huge issues (that we put off as being small), than end the relationship. Sometimes even if the relationship makes us miserable, we cling to it as if we need it to breathe. 

Why is it that even if we know deep inside we are not meant to be with the person, and even if we were the ones who broke it off in the first place, we still feel such a tragic loss? Like a piece of us is missing? I believe the reason we hurt so bad is not because of the person we are loosing (even though we may think it is), we hurt because we are saying goodbye to feeling of being in love

Intimate love
We all yearn to love and be loved intimately. When I say intimately I don't mean sexually, that is a misconception. Intimacy can be characterized by: A close or warm, deeply personal relationship. Personal, meaning love directed towards only us, love just for ourselves not to have to share with anyone. I believe we are created to desire intimate love. A love that is our own. A love just for ____________(your name here). ;) I feel this is the reason we hurt so bad when breaking up with a person, even when we know it is for the best. We feel we are completely cutting off our line of intimate love. The truth is though, in most cases, the intimate love we are seeking from the relationship has already been diminished and we are just holding onto the remains. 

I have done this more than once in my past... 

Past love
I was once in a relationship that started off full of love and passion, as relationships always start off. After about 2 years or so, we started to fight. Looking back, I can clearly see why we were fighting so much. I had this feeling inside that started to come up when the feeling of falling madly in love had passed, and I was left wanting more. I would complain about the relationship that he wasn't doing enough.. that I wanted more of his time and attention.. that I didn't feel he loved me like he used to.. and so on. No matter what he did, I still couldn't feel what I wanted to feel (who knows what it was I even wanted to feel). I started to think maybe I wanted to meet other people? or wanted to be free and not tied down? But I'm pretty sure back then I put the blame on my boyfriend, saying he changed and I needed some time. :-/ I'm pretty sure I initiated a break that he was against. After only a little bit of time on the break, I found myself missing him and wanting to be back together. 

I understand how back then I thought taking a break (and maybe meeting someone new, or kissing someone else) would fix a feeling I had inside, but it didn't --so I ran back to him. In the immediate beginning of getting back together everything was great. I felt that intimate love again and was satisfied. But this feeling was very brief, and the relationship started to go back to how it was before the break. Our trust was diminishing and the same problems we had before we took the break were coming back. We tried and tried to work out our differences for almost another year! But inside it felt like all the intimate love from the beginning of the relationship was gone and the "love" that as left, was empty and selfish. 

The struggle

Eventually, after being so hurt and broken for a while, I prayed to God for help and I had an epiphany about the relationship and finally felt free to move on. This required some faith, though. (The full details of this are in my other blog "My Story".)

OK so what's the deal here?
How can we be freed of this want for intimate love, if we can only get it from someone else? Doesn't that make us constantly dependent (without even knowing it) on another person to fulfill our personal desires? Doesn't that make love selfish?! ....

It seems to make sense that if we want to love and feel loved we would look to another person. The truth that I have come to realize is, we cannot (well, me at least) have blossoming, beautiful, free, fun relationships if our partner is our only source of intimate love. If we do this, we become dependent on the other person in the relationship. We need them to feel intimately loved. A relationship should never be based on need, but want! We should want to be in the relationship, not feel like we need it to be to feel complete. When the relationship shifts from want to need, the life begins to be drained from the relationship and it is no longer fun! We constantly feel like someone is depending on us. I don't know about you guys, but when I get married I want the relationship with my spouse to be a beautiful, carefree, fun, loving relationship, not a needy, "typical nagging wife, beer drinking husband" relationship. (Ending up in one of these relationships used to be one of my worst fears actually lol).

Present love
And I have truly found beautiful love in my current relationship. When I first met my boyfriend Charlie, I knew there was something so special and wonderful about him. The was something different about the dynamic between him and I that I had never experienced with any other guy I had dated. I think he told me he loved me after like 3 weeks of knowing each other lol. But anyway that's besides the point...the point is, even after feeling such an intimate, beautiful love with Charlie and him helping me to grow and be a better person, that thing inside me started to creep up. It wasn't like we were fighting or anything at all..it was just this feeling of not being content. It was telling me I needed to figure something out about myself and separate from the relationship for a bit. Although my friends thought I was crazy to separate from someone who seemed perfect for me, I had this feeling in my soul that scared me. It was as if I could ruin the best relationship of my life if I didn't figure out what was wrong with me. I told Charlie I needed to find myself for the benefit of us. Because I valued our relationship so much, and I could see a future with Charlie, I didn't want to risk me ruing it down the line. And I never wanted it to get to a point where our relationship would be one of those typical, annoying relationships I described before. 

Future love
Charlie understood and at this point in time, when we first separated, was when I joined yoga (you can read about my personal journey in the blog "My Story").  I thought yoga, meditation and new age reading like "The Secret" and "The Power of Now" were the answers to my problems. I wont go into detail because my other blog is all about this, but it wasn't the answer. At this point in time I hadn't really been talking to or seeing Charlie, but little did I know that as I was on a journey of digging deeper into myself, so was he, AND we were on the same path without even knowing it. As my journey continued, after traveling to Europe and so on, I did find myself when I found Jesus! It just so happens that Charlie did the same thing! Or maybe Jesus found us, I don't know, maybe he calling us all along. But separately, Charlie and I both developed a deep relationship with God, through Jesus. Can you image how fun and crazy it was to start talking again and realize we had both discovered something so, so, so wonderful? Something that finally made complete sense, Truth about life. Can you imagine, two people who rarely spoke of God, being transformed, separately, so that our hearts are now set on fire for Christ!? A miracle if you ask me. But then again, now I understand all things are possible with God. 

We both entered back into our relationship feeling complete as individuals because we were fully and intimately loved by God. This freed the relationship of any underlying needs and our love blossomed so beautifully. Our relationship is such a blessing to me, I could cry just thinking about it. We love each other so, so intimately (not sexually) but there is a freedom in our love, not a desperate need. I could live my life in a cardboard box with him and be completely satisfied. I could get married and have no wedding at all, but be in complete bliss. I could go on forever about this too... but I'll stop now lol. The point is, our relationship has become something I never could have imagined... and I really thought it was special in the beginning! Wow, I had no idea how great God is and what He can do when you let Him.

God's love
It is true that God is the answer for most problems in our lives, but we choose to forget about Him or ignore Him. I am not excluding myself here. For so long God was right in front of my face but I chose to look else where. It is like we are deceived by the ego (evil) which tells us God is not real or God is a joke. But! God is love. God's love is intimate love. He loves each of us personally and individually. 

To try to get a visual of this and relate God's love to relationship; imagine God's love as an endless stream of water. We are thirsty, and either we can't find the stream or we don't know it exists, so we take a glass of water brought to us by another person (our bf/gf...). The water runs out, and we are thirsty again. (P.S. *At times the other person could be bringing us toxic water, lol ie tainted love, but we drink it anyway) Another persons love may not always be pure, unconditional and everlasting, but God's is. We should go directly to the stream to satisfy our thirst day after day (and lead others there too!) This leaves each of us feeling absolute love and also fills any voids we may feel inside. Just like a stream never runs out of water, Gods love never runs out. 

When we allow ourselves to fill up on Gods intimate love, than our relationships with people are no longer means to an end, or ways to temporarily fill something that we are missing. Relationships then become completely fun and built on values of selflessness because we no longer NEED another person to feel whole, but instead can just enjoy the relationship and experience absolute freedom and joy.

Good news
The good part is, if you are suffering from an ended relationship (or any other issue for that matter), God will use your weakness to help you realize your need for Him. Maybe that is a concept that is hard to understand, but just know that this difficult time can be a reminder that God is here to help, just ask.

OK, so how do we get to know God, if we never met Him before, never spoke to Him and have no idea what or who He is? In a book called "Radical", David Platt, a Christian, explains it perfectly. 

In the book, David tell a true story about a time he was sitting outside a Buddhist temple in Indonesia. He was engaged in a conversation with a Muslim and a Buddhist leader. They were discussing how all religions are fundamentally the same and only superficially different. One of the leaders said "We may have different views about small issues but when it comes down to essential issues each of our religions are the same."David listened for a while and then they asked him what he thought. He said "It sounds as though you both picture God (or whatever you call god) at the top of a mountain. It seems as if you believe that we are all at the bottom of the mountain, and I may take one route up the mountain, you may take another, but in the end we will all end up in the same place." They smiled as David spoke and then they replied "Exactly! You understand!" Then David leaned in and said "Now let me ask you a question. What would you think if I told you that the God at the top of the mountain actually came down to where we are? What would you think if I told you that God doesn't wait for people to find their way to him, but instead he comes to us?" The Buddhist and the Muslim thought for a moment and then said "That would be great." and David replied, "Let me introduce you to Jesus Christ."

The truth.
There is only one truth in the world. I am not here to be a lawyer for Jesus Christ, but I am a witness! I only have my experiences, just as all of us do. I have lived this and seen His miracles throughout my life and know there are many more to come. I have been transformed by His love and my life has become a cherished gift. So here is my story of love, my explanation of love, and a description of how God loves us. We know that LOVE is His language, and God IS love. We know that God loves us so much that He came down to earth, as Jesus Christ. We need this truth and knowledge, because it wont come to us by sitting on a rock. We need to experience pain and weakness sometimes in order to see our need for God. We need to share our stories with others, so we can all be awakened and dance in the freedom! :) I understand how painful it is to break up with someone, and the hurt is strong --but God is stronger!  Don't we want pure, true, selfless love in our lives? If we seek it from Jesus first, all else will be added to us. :) So I would encourage all those who are having a hard time with relationships or anything at all, to go to the stream of Gods love and drink it up! Pick up a book or listen to a YouTube video, watch a movie about Jesus... anything. All you need is the desire and want to know Him and He will guide you, just ask and have faith.

I love you all soo much!!!

Monday, January 31, 2011

My Story

This is my story and what I have experienced in life. To be honest, this blogging thing is kind of uncomfortable for me. I am usually a pretty private person, but have been feeling lately how necessary it is for all of us to understand we are in the same boat! We all have scars we carry around with us, baring the burden alone. I don't want it to be like that anymore! We can confess to each other that we are all human, all have struggles, and are more alike than we realize. Let's not walk around like we have it all together! Lets instead bare the truth bravely. Through sharing our stories we can and relate to each other and in turn help one another. :)

The beginning
Ok so here is my story... It starts when I was about 17? maybe earlier? I had this feeling in my gut that did not feel right. It felt like a hole, like a piece of me was missing. To make it more clear for you, I will try to paint a picture of my life at this point from what I remember....

First love
I was about to graduate high school, was really looking forward to it. I had been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years, and it was falling apart in front of my eyes. We were fighting, I was jealous, I was becoming mean and not myself, we were beginning to lose respect for each other and at the same time I was loosing respect for myself. To forget the pain, (and the pain was so deep. It literally felt like my heart was cracking and breaking), I would go out with my friends to parties and drink and have fun. I had felt "The Hole" in my gut before the relationship started to end, and it may have even been one of the reasons why it was ending. I put the blame on myself.

     The Hole: A lost feeling deep inside. Feeling like I could never be satisfied.
     Like something was wrong with me. I wanted to feel happy, like everyone
     else was, but it took effort and thought for me. Only being happy in
     moments. Questioning the point of life. What is the purpose here? Is there
     a purpose? A loneliness. A vulnerability. Putting myself down all the time.
     Never being good enough...    

It's not what it looks like
From the outside, it seemed that I had all a person could want in life. A loving family, great friends, a boyfriend (that I was going to marry, thats what I used to say back then), good health, and so on. I felt so guilty about what was going on in my life. I felt like I was at fault for the problems with my first love because of The Hole that was causing me to act like a crazy person. I didn't know why The Hole was there in the first place!? It was annoying and frustrating. I had no reason to complain about anything in life, yet I still wasn't satisfied.

The only things that would help me deal with these feelings was (1) looking towards my future and hoping it would be better and (2) looking to others for recognition.

Graduating high school and entering the real world, going to college and having the "college experience", turning 21, traveling, starting my career, getting married, having kids... were some of the experiences I looked forward to. And as far as looking for recognition, I would only feel pretty if someone said it. I would only feel loved if someone was telling me constantly and still that wasn't even enough.

I realize now that I couldn't feel the joy of love because I didn't really love myself. Wowee Its hard to say that publicly. lol But in our society today, it is hard to love yourself. We are constantly comparing our selves to other people and thinking we are not good enough.. Back then, I never would have thought that not loving myself was the reason for all of my issues. I guess my pride and ego got in the way.

Now that I am looking back, I can see that I was looking for answers outside of myself. I was depending on experiences and people to make ME happy. That doesn't make any sense knowing what I know now, but I can understand why I did this (check out my other blog "The search For Our True Selves").

At the time I remember thinking "do I need therapy? I should see a counselor. I am never going to be happy."

The Hole was taking over my life. I couldn't even move on from the break up with my ex. I was so depressed and only pleased in temporary moments. Like short spurts of happiness that came and went when I thought about going out on a Friday night, or dancing away my problems at a club, or drinking at a house party, or buying a new outfit to wear, or thinking that better times would come. That's all I could look forward to in order to take away The Hole inside of me.

Desperate
One night I was so desperate. I was crying hard, I couldn't breathe, I was distraught and hopeless. I felt like there was no way out. So, I decided to pray (even though it was something I rarely did). I prayed to get through this and to see the truth. I knew my ex wasn't right for me but I couldn't get over it! It was so frustrating. A short while after that, I woke up with an epiphany. Woohooo! I finally saw it clearly. HE IS NOT FOR ME. Thats it. It was over and I could finally move on. I went to see him and told him that it was wonderful while it lasted and I learned a great deal from the relationship, but it is done! I felt so liberated. I didn't realize till just now, but it was probably the praying that brought on the epiphany. Prayer and patience.

Things are looking up
I finally felt good, like I did something right for once. I began to focus on me. It started with getting a gym membership. Going to the gym became a part of my schedule. It was on top of my priority list and I loved it. I was feeling good about myself, I felt like I was actually doing something that was just for me. I realize now as I write this how this is a twisted truth. When you go to the gym and get in great shape, you feel good, but not simply because you want to be healthy for you, it is actually for other people too, if not completely. You want to look good so people will notice, so you can feel "hotter". Although it is focusing on "you", it still not focusing on the inside, the spirit, its focusing on the outside, the body. It is so upsetting how we can be deceived by this. It gets to a point where we only feel good when we look good. I remember I would have a bad day if I didn't feel pretty. My day or night would be awesome if I felt like I looked good. This is so wrong and horrible wow! I feel so sad for little lost Nicole and all of the other innocent youngins feeling this way. Gosh, but there is hope! Just stay tuned lol

I was so hard on myself. If I didn't go to the gym I would feel guilty, like I had to at least take a walk or eat extremely healthy for the day. This is not what I wanted from life. I wanted to feel truly happy on the inside no mater what I did for the day, not only happy or content if I went to the gym. When I realized (after a few years) that The Hole was still there, I decided that I needed to get deeper. Get to know myself on the inside better.

Yoga
I had a feeling that what I needed was yoga. I didn't want the physical part of yoga, the benefits of the body, because I was already in good shape, what I wanted was the deeper part of yoga. So I started looking into different types of yoga. There were so many types, Hatha yoga, Bikram yoga... Someone told me that I needed to align my chakras. What the heck are chakras anyway? I started to research chakras and bought a couple books on chakras and auras and so on. What I read was that we all have 7 vortex's of energy in our bodies that are supposed to spin together in unison. If they don't spin in unison, we have an off-feeling inside of us. I really thought that the off-feeling described was The Hole I felt. So I started to visit yoga studios to find one that could work on aligning my chakras.

I joined Dahn yoga, which was a mix of yoga, deep meditation and chakra alignment. I got so into it. I could mediate for long periods of time without my thoughts getting in the way. My body became so flexible . I felt inner peace. I was convinced The Hole was filled. I even encouraged friends to join yoga and practice meditation. After months and months of getting really deep into the art of yoga, and even thinking of becoming a yoga instructor, nutritionist or personal trainer, I started to feel off again. I was feeling really moody, easily annoyed and I didn't like being around myself. Of coarse I tried to put it off as hormones. lol But I would have ran away from myself if I could have. Even though I thought yoga had filled the void, it was back. What a lonely, lost feeling that was.

Religion?
I started to think about why yoga wasn't the answer for me. The major thing that bothered me about yoga was that it was something that was supposed to be for the inside, but it took doing something physical (like meditating) in order to get to that inner peace. I didn't like the thought that I needed to religiously practice yoga and religiously mediate in order to be at peace. I didn't get how I could find "inner peace" and then go to bed and have to re-attain the feeling in the morning. If I was at peace, shouldn't I just be at peace? Why did I have to be at peace, than not, than feel peace again, the lose it. It kind of confused me. It also bothered me that yoga was like a religion. I really don't like religion in the first place.

     According to wikipedia, religion: is a set of beliefs concerning the cause,
     nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the
     creation of a supernatural agency or agencies, usually involving devotional
     and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the
     conduct of human affairs.

Religion bothers me. I don't like the idea that a set of beliefs is truth. If that is the case then there is no truth to begin with. Because truth would be relative depending on who believes what religion. So basically religion implies that there is no actual truth in this world. Ehhh that doesn't sit well with me lol Religion also typically involves "devotional or ritual observances" as quoted above. Ritual and routine aren't appealing to me. And thats what I felt like I was doing with yoga. Religiously meditating, religiously going to class and supposed to be finding my true self in the process.

I just realized that religion was what I was doing with the gym as well. If I didn't go, I could not feel content. It was a routine and ritual in order to feel good inside. When I was into yoga, I kind of felt trapped, like the only way to happiness was through yoga, and I didn't like that feeling. What if I didn't feel like meditating for a day?! I couldn't be at peace? What if I didn't want to sit in silence for an hour or even 10 minutes? Than I couldn't connect with my inner self? Even though I became really good at quieting my thoughts and "being in the present moment", I still didn't like the ritual part about yoga. It still involved doing something in order to find my true self. Which seemed slightly contradicting to me.

Astrology
My yoga membership, which was extremely expensive btw, came to an end and even though the instructors were urging me to come back, I felt that I needed to continue to search, because The Hole was still there and yoga wasn't the answer. :( While I was in yoga, I had been becoming increasingly more interested in astrology. So once I left yoga, I delved right into astrology. I bought a few interesting books and started to look into the signs and stars. It seemed so cool to me that each specific sign was so right on with who I was and who my friends and family were too. At this point in my life I had already met Charlie (my angel and current boyfriend) and even the description of our signs in relationship with one another were true! I began looking into courses to further my knowledge and possibly even start a career in this direction. After failed attempts to sign up for a course, I had to be brutally honest with myself. Even though all of this astrology stuff was so interesting, I still had trouble dealing with the fact that all scorpios have the same qualities. Aren't I more unique and special than that? Can someone really be categorized this way? Again, I was looking outside of myself for answers on who I was inside. Astrology wasn't adding up for me. The Hole was still there. How could I continue in this direction, if it didn't fully feel right inside. I want truth in life. That's all I want. That's what I was seeking and coming up short over and over again. Ugh how frustrating.

During this time I was getting ready to graduate college. I was a nervous wreck because I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I never wanted to just pick a career out of a hat, or choose something because of the money. Money couldn't motivate me. I was looking for something deeper than money. I knew money could never fill The Hole or bring me happiness. ALL I WANT IS TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT! lol Why was this so hard for me?!

Traveling
I graduated college and decided that I needed to travel. I wanted to find myself by traveling the world. Or maybe have some awesome revelations about life. After all, all the movies tell me that this is what happens when you travel. lol but seriously. I planned a trip to Europe. I would start off in Amsterdam, travel to London, Paris, Switzerland, all over Italy and end up in Croatia (where my dad is from). FUN stuff! While in Europe, even though it was amazing, I was having a bit of trouble really taking it all in and being present in the moment. I really wanted to be so appreciative of what I was experiencing but found that I would often get annoyed if things didn't go according to plan. I kind of hated being around myself. I was pissing myself off because I couldn't just enjoy and relax. Another thing that bothered me was that I couldn't go to the gym or even eat healthy. I was feeling crappy about myself and I didn't want to! Even thinking about all the money I was spending was in the back of my head annoying me. I just wanted to be freeee. It was frustrating. Even my studies of "positive thinking" and "law of attraction" weren't helping me!

After getting home from my trip, it was supposed to be time to buckle down and figure my life out. Everyone would ask me what I was doing since graduating college and where I was working... and it bothered me. I dreaded the question because I didn't know what I was doing or even what direction I wanted to go in. At that point I was just babysitting and felt that people looked down upon that. Dealing with "status" was another issue I had been battling with. Eventually, I got an internship working with homeless youth for a non-profit organization called Imagine Project. I finally felt like I had something to share when people asked me the dreaded question, but I got so many negative reactions when saying a non-profit org, anyway. I started to realize that even though I did want to help people, the truth was I didn't feel connected to this job. I was looking for recognition and assurance from people. I really had to let go of the opinions of others and stop trying to find any career just to make others think I had become something so great. I desperately wanted to disconnect from worrying about other peoples opinions of me and get to the core of who I really was.

Seeking God
I didn't know how to do this, though! I had tried so many times to seek my true self, and kept coming up short. I had that desperate feeling again, the same feeling I felt when my ex and I had broken up; the circumstances were completely different but the feeling was the same. Distraught. Lost. Confused. THE HOLE. I just needed help, guidance! Therapy? No, I had no desire to go to therapy (even though I thought about it). I started to pray again. Like I did the first time. I prayed "God, if you are there I need help. I am so desperate! I am begging you! I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. Not only in moments but truly happy from the bottom of my being. I know it exists and I am seeking truth! Please help meee!!" Those probably weren't the exact words but it was something along those lines. I remember feeling relieved when I prayed. It was a funny because I wasn't even sure what existed out there, yet praying made me feel safer, relieved, and at ease. I felt The Hole disappear for a split second. And I had faith that I would feel free and happy. I believed it in my heart. I guess I was trusting that God heard my prayer, and that He would help me. I liked the feeling of praying, so I started to do it a lot. Every day I would pray to a God that I didn't even really know existed. I was brought up Catholic and was supposed to have all these beliefs, but I never connected with them because as I told you before, I don't like religion.

I continued to pray and I liked praying. It didn't feel like something I had to do. It was fun for me because I started to believe in my heart that there was a God who heard me and would help me.  I stayed focused on the fact that I must be patient and He will answer my prayers. I remember the day it happened... I was curious about why we celebrate Easter. lol We celebrate every year, yet I don't even know the whole story as to why. It was embarrassing. I knew it had something to do with Jesus. Who is Jesus, anyway? And who says He even existed? But I was curious about the holiday and plus I like to read. I went to the library and as I was walking over to the computer to start a search, I passed a return cart filled with books. For some reason, I had no idea why (now I do, though -it was God) I stuck my hand into the pile of books and just pulled out a random one. I didn't even look at the titles. It happened quickly. When I looked at the book I had pulled out, it was titled "The Gospel According to Mary: A New Testament for Women." It was a book about the stories of Jesus. The stories came straight from the Bible. This seemed really weird to me, considering the book was along the lines of what I was in search of in the first place. I had a feeling in the deepest part of me, where The Hole lived, that this was God answering my diligent prayers.

A new start
When I started reading the book, something crazy was happening inside of me. The more I read about Jesus, the more things in my life started to make sense. The Hole was actually closing and I KNEW it was for real this time. As I learned about Jesus, I learned that He is God in human form. When I would think about God, I had no idea what to actually think. I couldn't even picture Him in my head when I prayed to Him. But Jesus, on the other hand, is God in the body of a man. I could relate to Him, and that is why God sent Himself to earth.

I could relate when my friends tell me stories or give me advice, so I could relate to Jesus' (God's) advice and teachings. This makes so much sense to me now because I understand that God is the One who made my spirit, my true self. The only way that I was able to get in touch with the real me was through Jesus, because God made me and my spirit is of Him (more info in my blog "The Search For Our True Selves") This is the coolest thing to me. EVER. I got more and more excited to learn about Jesus, because it helped me to actually learn about myself. And to get to know God personally. Who thought a mere human being could actually know God? Jesus bridges the gap!

My relationship with God changed completely through Jesus. He was the key for me. After trusting that there is definitely a God, and He loves me so much and has a plan for me, my life started to transform! Even my career, which I had been so confused about started to come into place. I was able to learn about who I really am and what I love and in turn able to distinguish a career that I LOVE! I love helping people and talking them through their problems. I have done this without even realizing it all my life. Now, because of God, I have found a job where I can do just that. No, not a therapist, but a life coach! A Christian life coach (Which is helping a person to find their God given purpose in life and live the beautiful life God intended them to live :)). We can all use a coach cheering us on, can't we? :) Now, circumstance has NO control over me. I am fulfilled from the inside out, so nothing on the outside can effect my joy. It is the most wonderful thing to me and ALL THE CREDIT GOES TO GOD for helping me see and accept my true self, and get to know and love Him.

Not only has God impacted the career part of my life, but EVERY aspect because I stopped depending on being self-sufficient and surrendered my life to Christ. He lives through me. I trust in Him and have been made new! Now I get why people say they are "born again" or "saved". I really feel like a new born person, like I was saved from my own self-destructive ways! Yay! I love myself now! Because I know that god loves me. It's not just something I say to make myself feel better, I actually am in a relationship with God and know what He says to me. This allows me to love others so, so deeply. I just want to dance and sing everyday because I am so happy and fulfilled and I want to share in this joy with everyone! And what a refreshing truth it is to know that God has nothing to do with religion. Nothing to do with ritual. It is relationship. And that is all.

Just look at the lyrics of "Amazing Grace":
     "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.
       I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now I see. T'was
     Grace that taught my heart to fear. And Grace, my fears relieved. How
     precious did that Grace appear The hour I first believed."
     (Grace being Gods love and compassion for us)

There's more to the song... you can look it up, you guys know how to use youtube right? ;) that was a joke.
      
Letting go and letting God
Gosh, guys it is just so great to let go of all the little things in life that we put so much emphasis on and just let God have all of our worries. He tells us Himself to cast our worries to Him. We cannot take it all, we are just humans we are so small. God is infinite. He is so great, He IS. He can take it all from us and free us. It is the most beautiful thing in the world to see how God has tranformed me. I can look back now and see that all those times I felt so weak and lost, that was God, who planned those experiences to allow me to use them to help others! Now I can guide those who feel lost. All because of God's grace. We all are looking for something greater than ourselves, whether it is through science, the universe, matter, through law of attraction, our higher selves.... We look for this because our nature is of God, and deep inside we are looking for HIM, without even realizing it. The answer is Jesus! Who woulda thought!

     In the Word of God, the Bible (which is so amazing) it says: "Don't worry about anything;
     instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for
     all he has done. Then you will experience gods peace, which exceeds
     anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds
     as you live in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6

I want to finish by saying, first off, wow that was extremely long, so thank you for reading. Secondly, I would so encourage you to just be open to the idea of Jesus and believe and talk to Him. Your life will change. Tell Jesus you want to know Him personally. Seek Him and you will find Him. And lastly, guys, share your stories! We are all living on this same earth we can relate to each other. Type them and send me your stories if you want! I will post them on this blog and you can be a huge inspiration to others just by sharing the struggles you are facing or what you have learned from life, or from God. They can be annonymous, who cares!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

P.S. Something so cool happened last night. After I finished this blog (I didn't post it yet), my brother and his friend were watching a show called "I Survived: Beyond and Back" I put it on in my room, started watching and the stories were amazing! The feeling the woman, Dea, describes at the end reminded me of what I was saying about "feeling new". Check it out if your bored. :)